Today is the
last day of 2008. This has been a trying year.
(to say the least) After midnight tonight 2008 will
be history. The stories, the issues, the happy times,
the bad times, the sad times will be history. You Darren
will never be history to me. You as well as all your brothers
and sister will never be history to me. You are all apart of my
past my present and my future. No matter what the
story is, no matter what the status is of a situation, you are all
apart of my story. Somethings could have been written
better, somethings I wouldn't have wanted written and somethings
I would like to write right out of the story but......the past, the present make
our story for tomorrow. I will strive to make the best of each story thrown my
way or by way of my kids. If I could trade places I would. I love and miss you
and sure wish you were here to start the new year. You are in my heart. : )

I can't eat
the ones with your name, but they will be saved.

Your friends
are the best. Nikki made these for me. She also said for me
to smile. What a cute tribute to you from your friend.
I love and miss you, mom

6 months

Darren it has been six months since you died. It still isn't easy,it still isn't better, it still hurts,you are still missed and I still think about you every second of the day. Daily functions are a chore and they take alot of energy that I don't know where the energy comes from at times. I am still taking one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. that being said.....

You could make me laugh inside with your conspiracy theories, your own ideas of how the world should be run. I can remember when you were young I would tell you to be a lawyer,a debater, get into the government so you could make the changes you wanted. For someone who hated the law you paid alot into it. (darn tickets) I figured out when you were about 12 that I needed to stop whatever I was doing and just listen to you. I also learned not to give my opinion or try to correct your thoughts or thinking. I learned that you just needed to talk and get all the ramblings in your mind verbalized. You were definately a free thinker. I admired that about you. I liked the way you would do whatever you wanted no matter what others thought. I was envious of that quality.

I miss how you use to worry about my neck injury. You wouldn't let me pick up things and you wouldn't let me move things. I use to have to sneak it when you weren't around. You would come over and get after me for doing it. I miss your caring spirit.

I went ahead and made out a Christmas card to you. It just didn't seem right not to have one for you. I will keep it. Your brothers and sisters will think I am crazy when they see it. I can think about you and go on. I can miss you and go on. Nothing stops with you not here. The sun still comes up, the fog is still around, birthdays come and go, activities happen even tho you are thought about, Christmas will come and go and then the New year will begin. I remember telling you guys if anything happened to me you were allowed 2 weeks to mourn me and then go on. have a party, just go on. I rejoice in the time that we did have together. The bittersweet side of that it just wasn't long enough. There is so much you will miss and there is so much of your life and growth I will miss. It is a good thing I know I will see you again and then we will just have to catch up on all the things we missed. I love you and miss you! mom

Changed my mind!This is the one.

I remember this trip like it was yesterday. We went to Texas

to visit Darryl,Vicky,Cassidy and Andrew. Dennis and Karen

met us there. We went kayaking,disc golf and then Shellee joined

us. Darren kept me calm when we were stuck in the elevator

of our hotel. He pried the doors opened and litterally picked me up and

carried me out. He was my hero. I was so happy he was with me.

He swam with Andrew and Cassidy. We played games and just had

fun. He is missed and loved. love, mom p.s. I soooo miss the good stuff.

This is the picture I am going to use for the Concert in the Park and Candlelighting this month to remember our loved ones. Darren is loved by many and missed by all. love and miss you, mom

self help

Since Darren passed away I have been reading books for surviving the loss of a loved one. I have read about the stages of mourning. I am sure it is helpful or I wouldn't keep seeking out helpful hints on how to survive my pain and emptiness. I went to the bookstore the other day looking for something for Josh and I came upon a small littleittybitty book titled, "How to be totally miserable" by John Bytheway. and.... Bytheway is Shane's (grandson) middle name because DeShelle is married to Matt whose relatives are Bytheway's. hmmm, interesting small world. So as I was reading this ittybitty book I read " Some things in this world act, and others are acted upon. Happy people act. Miserable people are acted upon. Thinking about your problems without doing anything about them will ensure that you remain miserable and emotionally groggy. People who jog or take a walk around the block know that moving around and getting their blood flowing somehow gives their brain the energy to sort out all the stuff that's going on. Sometimes even mowing the lawn is great therapy for getting depression off your turf. Happy people get the sun in their hair and the wind in their face. They listen to the birds, smell the flowers, feel the breeze, and suddenly things seem a little better. Those who feel miserable inside often stay inside: those who want to get the misery out of themselves get themselves out of the house and find something to do. " yikes, baby steps. If it weren't for the grandkids I wouldn't get out, soooo, I need to start getting out. When I visited Colorado I felt good about being out, when Darren's friends have come by and I go out, I feel alot better, when I go see family I feel alot better, soooo maybe there is something to this getting out and getting the blood flowing to the brain. Darren, I miss you and feel so bad that you are not here for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas or for any other time a get together is warranted. I know you would want me to get up and out to keep the blood to my soul flowing. I love you and miss you! mom

Jen

I had a great experience this week. I met Darren's friend Jen and her mother Kim. Jen has been chatting with me regularly from Iraq since she heard of Darren's passing. It is a great comfort to me to meet Darren's friends and hear stories about his youth. Jen and her mother parked and started walking toward my townhouse and we started talking at a distance and hugged as if we have always known each other. The return of the stolen car is a favorite story that even Kim related to me. Kim appreciated Darren and Don finding it and returning it. (the silly things we do as youth) I gave them a tour of my place while we waited for grandkids mommies pick them up. Jen,Kim and I then went to the sushi restaurant that Darren took me to. We didn't sit at the same table but I was happy to share the same food and memory with his friend Jen. We chatted about Darren and how much he is missed and I filled her in on things Darren had been doing. At times we let tears roll down our cheeks or swallowed hard to stop from crying.
Jen and her mother Kim, came back Wednesday morning so we could go to the cemetary where Darren is. We cried together. Poor Jen. This was the first time for Jen to go to the cemetary so I could see how hard it was for her and her emotions flowed down her face. Darren was a great friend and a great guy. Sharing with Jen was another great moment I hope I never forget. Kim had some wonderful helpful hints and suggestions for mourning, I admire her so, Kim is a breast cancer survivor. I wish we were friends when the kids were younger. I miss you Darren, thank you for your friends. I love you, mom

Darren's friends

Saturday Darren's friends Mike, Jim, Nikki and Dennis came over to see where Darren is and come over to my house for a visit. We reminised about Darren and some silly stories were told of their childhood. I cooked a tator tot casserol that some like and some don't like but it was a meal Darren's friends remembered. I was able to share some pictures with them and they got to see some of his special things he has saved since they all met. Darren kept everything. Darren was sentimental that way. I was told how no matter what each of them were doing weather bad or good he was always there for themm. Darren had a gigantic heart. Jim took the letters that he wrote to Darren while he was out on the road. Mike told me the black and white hat that Darren wore was his and he gave it to Darren. I have pictures of Jackson (Darren's nephew) wearing that hat. There are several pictures of Darren wearing that hat. They were able to take some t-shirts that they went to concerts with him. I know Darren would have liked them to have for memories. It makes me miss Darren seeing his friends but it also makes me happy to know he had such great friends that will take time out of their busy lives to share time with me. I will always appreciate their kindness,hugs and laughs. When they were young and I would walk in from work they would all scurry out. This time they didn't scurry, they stayed and we ate and laughed and have some cute pictures to remember our time together. Thank you Darren for having such great friends. I miss you and love you,mom

laundry

I don't sing, I don't play an instrument and i don't have a creative way of writing,but, I did the most incredible thing today for my heart and soul. I got to do the last loads of Darren's dirty laundry. Why you say , why you think this means so much to me. When Darren was on the road and he came back for his days off, I did his laundry. When Darren lived in his apartment and he would come to visit, pick up food, Darren would bring his laundry and I got to do his laundry. A small thing, a thing you may think he could or should have done himself, but, that is what I do. I like to take care and do, just do. Darren's laundry has his uniform's, his shirt and pants he wore to Dennis and Karen's wedding in Tahoe, his boxer shorts, his yucky looking socks, his t-shirts. I got to do his last dirty load, today and it means so much to me. They are all stacked just like before on the washer and dryer. I don't know if I can pack them away. It will be an end to me. Today was the first time I cried talking about Darren to anyone and Joanna shed tears while I told her how much it meant to me. I wish I had other talents to share, something inspirational, something poetic, no , I did the last loads of dirty laundry, that's what I do.

It's been almost 3 months since Darren died. It isn't getting any easier not to have him around. I miss his phone calls. I miss hearing his voice. I miss having a whole heart and soul. I hate the dark hole I feel. I can't breathe sometimes. When I see him,(picture), it makes me silently gasp inside. Darren like his 6 siblings made me have a sense of grounding,sense of peace,a special joy, that I took for granted. I don't want to celebrate my b-day, thanks giving or Christmas this year. I can't celebrate without everyone. Everyone is grown up and have lives and families of their own. My family isn't complete anymore and my heart and soul are broken. No one will replace Darren. Darren was unique in his own way. I liked his independent, individual thinking. I MISS YOU DARREN!
love, mom

shooting

We went shooting on Saturday August 16th after Darren's birthday to have our own type of celebration of his life. We went to the outdoor range that the boys went to before Darren was married to Holly. (bachelor party) (or just an excuse to go shooting together). David,Danny,Donald and Dennis as well as Karen,Saundra, Kori,Josh,Rachel and I all went to shoot guns that Darren had previously owned. It was hot and dirty but a great way to be busy and have some memories of Darren. Rachel learned to shoot, Josh shot a gun that was given to him by my dad that I shot when I was a teenager. We all took turns in shooting at targets, watermelons and cantelopes. I had a few teary moments missing Darren,Darryl and his family and Shellee and her family. Danny says no girls allowed next time. (whatever). We had our snacks,sodas and a few laughs. It was a busy day at the range. I tried to picture Darren out there and the fun and laughs he and his brothers had.

#6

Today is Darren's Birthday. Happy birthday! Darren was born at 1754 on Aug. 11th, 1979. He weighed 10 lbs.(yikes). Other then interrupting a fishing trip it was just another day for the whole family. Kids were running around playing in and outside of the house. No one seemed to care that a baby was being born in the bedroom. Little did we know that Darren would be quite an entertaining and challenging boy. The emptiness I feel is overpowering more then I can stand at times. Thank you to all his brothers and sister and sister in laws for the phone calls, activities to keep me preoccupied. The grandkids are a great distraction. The hardest time is late at night,driving around and seeing a motorcyclist, listening to music that reminds me of him, seeing a picture of him that flashes on my digital frame. I had the privilege of seeing Darren do some funny things, talented things, dumb things and then mature into a young man. I got to witness the full circle. Such a wide variety of memories that I hope I never forget. Love you Darren. See you later.

"We never get a choice about who will die in our lives. But we do get to choose what to do with our memories. By using our memories to make poetry, drawings, tattoos, blogs and stories, we create a truth we can live with. By turning our feelings into something we can touch, explore, and treasure, we transform our grief so that it brings us new understanding, new strength." I am trying hard to understand the loss of Darren, or believe it. I guess I do this blog so I can share my weakness, my pain, my loss so that none of us who Darren touched with his life thinks they are alone.

Grief

You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
everyday......
grief puts on a new face.

Darren

Darren Harris,my son, 6th out of 7 children was born on August 11,1979. He was born at home in Sacramento. He was a planned at home birth. He has 5 brothers and one sister. The 7 D's. David,Danel,DeShelle,Donald,Darryl,Darren and Dennis. He has 11 nieces and nephews. David and his wife Kori have Rachel and Joshua. Danel and his wife Joanna have Aric and Abigail. DeShelle and her husband Matt have Jackson,Mariah,Jalyn and Shane. Donald and his partner Saundra have Kyle and Wyatt. (Saundra has two daughters Shante and Tameka.) Darryl and his wife Vicky have Cassidy and Andrew,Vicky has a daughter named Rosa. Darren was recently married to Holly and they didn't have any children. Dennis and his wife Karen have no children but love their cats. Darren loved riding motorcycles, driving trucks, loved disc golf, shooting his guns at the range, mosh pitts at some wild concerts, playing card games, dragons and wizards. One thing he is remembered for is his ability to have useless information he liked to share with everyone. (I used to buy him useless information books for his christmas and b-day presents just because he enjoyed reading them.) Darren also loved to read books. Darren is also remembered for his activities with his nieces and nephews. He brought great joy to his nieces and nephews and loved to play with them.(you could say he was just a big kid himself). Darren didn't want to kill spiders in his apt. because he thought they would keep other bugs away. Darren saved everything. Darren still has clothes he wore in high school. Darren was sentimental like that. Darren was a great yoyoer. He always had a yoyo in his pocket. He would always show anyone who would watch his tricks or show them how to do them.

Darren died on June 12, 2008, he was 28 years old, I was 28 when he was born. He died in a motorcycle accident, hitting a truck. Darren was speeding and most likely misjudged the driving of the truck driver and paid for it dearly with his life. Darren died instantly. A good lesson from this could be never underestimate the other driver and always be cautious and drive carefully and defensively.

Darren is missed by everyone. At his memorial there were over 250 people in attendance. Family and friends were everywhere and shared their sorrow in my loss and everyone elses loss. I was sorry for each of their losses of Darren. He touched everyones life. I was proud of Darren for his accomplishments. He had just purchased a house and had become a very responsible member of society. He changed his life for the positive. Darren use to tell me he didn't want to grow up and become responsible, but he did it anyway.