just another day

It's thanksgiving and I am working on thinking of all the things and people I am thankful for.  Today is no different for me, when thinking about you and missing you.  The family doesn't seem to get together quite as much, it seems everyone is going their own way and doing their own thing.  I am left to wonder how much your death has to do with that.  I know I don't feel whole nor is anything the same to me.  We all miss you and think of you in our own way.  You are forever in my heart and thoughts.  I will always wish things were different.  I always hold back a scream or tear. 
Love,
Mom 

to remember

I was sitting on the deck and in my mind I was having a discussion of sorts with someone(no names) and all of a sudden you were standing next to me and said "I didn't do it on purpose".  I have had many hard conversations in my head because of unanswered issues about your death.  Some will never be answered but  finally I received the answer I needed.  It's not a relief, nothing about your passing brings me relief, but, it does  stop one of the questions I have had in my minds conversations.  Thank you for watching over me.
You were a joy and pleasure to be around.  I still say challenging but that is what made it so awesome to be your mom.  I always have wished I could live without worrying what others think and just be free.  I am working on that and remembering your words and example.
Love,
mom

CELEBRATE!

Birthday

Here I sit in San Angelo, Texas waiting to go to yet another funeral.  This one is for Andy Lopez, Vicky's dad.  I drove down with David, Donald and Dennis.  We met Darryl at his house with Andrew and Cassidy. The kids have grown so much they were near unrecognizable.  Andrew is handsome and Cassidy is beautiful.  Andy's funeral is being celebrated on Darren's birthday so I always look at comparison or likenesses.  Darren enjoyed Andy and Andy liked Darren alot.  When Darren was in Texas and hanging out with Darryl and family Andy would laugh and drink with Darren. (not my approval but a similarity.)  I also noticed that Darren died on 6-12-08.  Andy died on 08-06-12.  (it's just an observation)  and Andy and Darren share a birthday and life celebration day together.
Darren you were an influence on so many people.  Sometimes I have a hard time reading all the stories and memories other people had with you.  Not that I am jealous or envious it's just I missed so much of you and just who you were.  Sometimes parents can't be friends(so I have been told)  but I definately was lucky and privileged to be the one to bring you into the world, help mold you, teach you(difficult as it was) but then I got to see the troubled years and then be apart and see the turn around as you grew into a sensitive wonderful man.
I miss you, beyond words.  Happy Birthday.  Wish you were Here.
Ma

Mother's Day

Darren,
Another Mother's Day will pass without all my 7 D's together.  I have found that I don't need a special day to feel love and appreciation from my kids.  Sometimes I don't need to hear I love you, or I miss you.  I appreciate the surprises they bring me.  I was able to take a trip with Don, David, Dennis to Utah to celebrate DeShelle's birthday.  Unknown to me David flew Darryl from Texas to surprise me.  We speak of you, Darren, as if you were with us.  I hate to tell you but you get blamed alot.  If we can't find something or if something is broken you get blamed.  It has become a joke cause you are not here to defend yourself.  We missed Danny too but he had obligations in California.  It was a special weekend.  We were able to visit with Utah relatives and celebrate the memory of Kendall, Marilyn and you Darren.

I love and miss you,
Mom

Dear Darren,
I haven't been here for a while cause it has been a tuff  few years.  We have lost a few more family members as you know.  I hope you have hooked up with them and are sharing,loving and enjoying each others sweet spirits. An anniversary has passed your birthday has passed and we had a Thanksgiving , my marriage and a Christmas without you.  I have the continual sadness and hole in my heart but I try to do other things and go on with my life.  I make sure I mourn you and miss you and then I want to go on because I know that is what you would want me to do.  Thank you again for being my son.  Thank you for your example.  Thank you for your love and thank you for the memories of the time I had with you.

Love and miss you,
Mom