your chucks

My memorial to you. Forever in my heart and soul. Miss you!!!!!

Niles Canyon

My last mission was to set you free at nile canyon where you went so many times with your friends. I am so grateful to those of your friends that came and helped me and supported me in saying good by one more time.

I love you and miss you.

mom

walk with Darren, timpanogas cave

Remembering Darren, Nimbus Dam

Happy Birthday son!!!!!!! I miss you and think of you always!!!
love you, love you,love you

mom

2 years

Two years ago today almost to the minute, we lose out on having one of the great personality, one of the great human beings of our time, and a great son to be proud of.
Darren I have gone from anger(for your wreckless driving)(for dieing too young)(for me out living you) and then I think, you are probably angry at yourself too. Darren I go from sad, soooo sad, missing you, missing your smile, missing your phone calls, missing your conspiracy theories, missing your (I am your mom I said so, and hearing in return that's not good enough, I want a better answer) I miss watching you with the nieces and nephews. and it breaks my heart to know that some of them won't remember you and then I remember it is breaking your heart too.
You are with me always. Then I remember we are with you too.
There have been no milestones, no corners to take , no outstanding thoughts to help me feel better and understand this emptiness. Then I remember you are probably thinking the same thing.
I am so glad for the 28 years. I am so glad for that smile, laughter and your tender heart and your sweet soul.
til we meet again,
love and miss you infinity,
mom

sometimes I just want to scream! miss and love you!

The worst words

It has taken me awhile to want to post anything but I decided I needed to share some of the worst words I have ever heard. The first worst words in my life I have ever heard is,,,,in a whisper on the phone "mom Darren's at the coroners." The second worst words I have ever heard in my life are,,,, screaming,unaudible,hard to understand,,, I had to say Beck just give me one word, take a deep breathe just give me one word, I heard"Kendall" I said ok give me another word, "he's dead", I screamed with her. The third worst words I have ever heard are,"David has colon cancer" , the fourth worst words I have ever heard, is " she's gone" my mom had passed away 3 days before Christmas. Strength is a state of mind. I know we all have a story to tell, I know we all have our own stories and that they are life. I know there will be more "worst words" in my life time. My story may be the worst words for others to hear.

I miss Darren and I miss my mom. I didn't know Kendall very well but the few times I was around him I found him very friendly and funny. I wish I could do more for David my oldest son.

I don't take day to day for granted anymore. I see,hear,smell,taste and touch everything differently then I ever did. I appreciate the small things alot more then I ever did.

I am trying with all my might to appreciate the good words and take one step at a time, one day at a time.