laundry

I don't sing, I don't play an instrument and i don't have a creative way of writing,but, I did the most incredible thing today for my heart and soul. I got to do the last loads of Darren's dirty laundry. Why you say , why you think this means so much to me. When Darren was on the road and he came back for his days off, I did his laundry. When Darren lived in his apartment and he would come to visit, pick up food, Darren would bring his laundry and I got to do his laundry. A small thing, a thing you may think he could or should have done himself, but, that is what I do. I like to take care and do, just do. Darren's laundry has his uniform's, his shirt and pants he wore to Dennis and Karen's wedding in Tahoe, his boxer shorts, his yucky looking socks, his t-shirts. I got to do his last dirty load, today and it means so much to me. They are all stacked just like before on the washer and dryer. I don't know if I can pack them away. It will be an end to me. Today was the first time I cried talking about Darren to anyone and Joanna shed tears while I told her how much it meant to me. I wish I had other talents to share, something inspirational, something poetic, no , I did the last loads of dirty laundry, that's what I do.

It's been almost 3 months since Darren died. It isn't getting any easier not to have him around. I miss his phone calls. I miss hearing his voice. I miss having a whole heart and soul. I hate the dark hole I feel. I can't breathe sometimes. When I see him,(picture), it makes me silently gasp inside. Darren like his 6 siblings made me have a sense of grounding,sense of peace,a special joy, that I took for granted. I don't want to celebrate my b-day, thanks giving or Christmas this year. I can't celebrate without everyone. Everyone is grown up and have lives and families of their own. My family isn't complete anymore and my heart and soul are broken. No one will replace Darren. Darren was unique in his own way. I liked his independent, individual thinking. I MISS YOU DARREN!
love, mom