self help

Since Darren passed away I have been reading books for surviving the loss of a loved one. I have read about the stages of mourning. I am sure it is helpful or I wouldn't keep seeking out helpful hints on how to survive my pain and emptiness. I went to the bookstore the other day looking for something for Josh and I came upon a small littleittybitty book titled, "How to be totally miserable" by John Bytheway. and.... Bytheway is Shane's (grandson) middle name because DeShelle is married to Matt whose relatives are Bytheway's. hmmm, interesting small world. So as I was reading this ittybitty book I read " Some things in this world act, and others are acted upon. Happy people act. Miserable people are acted upon. Thinking about your problems without doing anything about them will ensure that you remain miserable and emotionally groggy. People who jog or take a walk around the block know that moving around and getting their blood flowing somehow gives their brain the energy to sort out all the stuff that's going on. Sometimes even mowing the lawn is great therapy for getting depression off your turf. Happy people get the sun in their hair and the wind in their face. They listen to the birds, smell the flowers, feel the breeze, and suddenly things seem a little better. Those who feel miserable inside often stay inside: those who want to get the misery out of themselves get themselves out of the house and find something to do. " yikes, baby steps. If it weren't for the grandkids I wouldn't get out, soooo, I need to start getting out. When I visited Colorado I felt good about being out, when Darren's friends have come by and I go out, I feel alot better, when I go see family I feel alot better, soooo maybe there is something to this getting out and getting the blood flowing to the brain. Darren, I miss you and feel so bad that you are not here for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas or for any other time a get together is warranted. I know you would want me to get up and out to keep the blood to my soul flowing. I love you and miss you! mom

Jen

I had a great experience this week. I met Darren's friend Jen and her mother Kim. Jen has been chatting with me regularly from Iraq since she heard of Darren's passing. It is a great comfort to me to meet Darren's friends and hear stories about his youth. Jen and her mother parked and started walking toward my townhouse and we started talking at a distance and hugged as if we have always known each other. The return of the stolen car is a favorite story that even Kim related to me. Kim appreciated Darren and Don finding it and returning it. (the silly things we do as youth) I gave them a tour of my place while we waited for grandkids mommies pick them up. Jen,Kim and I then went to the sushi restaurant that Darren took me to. We didn't sit at the same table but I was happy to share the same food and memory with his friend Jen. We chatted about Darren and how much he is missed and I filled her in on things Darren had been doing. At times we let tears roll down our cheeks or swallowed hard to stop from crying.
Jen and her mother Kim, came back Wednesday morning so we could go to the cemetary where Darren is. We cried together. Poor Jen. This was the first time for Jen to go to the cemetary so I could see how hard it was for her and her emotions flowed down her face. Darren was a great friend and a great guy. Sharing with Jen was another great moment I hope I never forget. Kim had some wonderful helpful hints and suggestions for mourning, I admire her so, Kim is a breast cancer survivor. I wish we were friends when the kids were younger. I miss you Darren, thank you for your friends. I love you, mom

Darren's friends

Saturday Darren's friends Mike, Jim, Nikki and Dennis came over to see where Darren is and come over to my house for a visit. We reminised about Darren and some silly stories were told of their childhood. I cooked a tator tot casserol that some like and some don't like but it was a meal Darren's friends remembered. I was able to share some pictures with them and they got to see some of his special things he has saved since they all met. Darren kept everything. Darren was sentimental that way. I was told how no matter what each of them were doing weather bad or good he was always there for themm. Darren had a gigantic heart. Jim took the letters that he wrote to Darren while he was out on the road. Mike told me the black and white hat that Darren wore was his and he gave it to Darren. I have pictures of Jackson (Darren's nephew) wearing that hat. There are several pictures of Darren wearing that hat. They were able to take some t-shirts that they went to concerts with him. I know Darren would have liked them to have for memories. It makes me miss Darren seeing his friends but it also makes me happy to know he had such great friends that will take time out of their busy lives to share time with me. I will always appreciate their kindness,hugs and laughs. When they were young and I would walk in from work they would all scurry out. This time they didn't scurry, they stayed and we ate and laughed and have some cute pictures to remember our time together. Thank you Darren for having such great friends. I miss you and love you,mom

laundry

I don't sing, I don't play an instrument and i don't have a creative way of writing,but, I did the most incredible thing today for my heart and soul. I got to do the last loads of Darren's dirty laundry. Why you say , why you think this means so much to me. When Darren was on the road and he came back for his days off, I did his laundry. When Darren lived in his apartment and he would come to visit, pick up food, Darren would bring his laundry and I got to do his laundry. A small thing, a thing you may think he could or should have done himself, but, that is what I do. I like to take care and do, just do. Darren's laundry has his uniform's, his shirt and pants he wore to Dennis and Karen's wedding in Tahoe, his boxer shorts, his yucky looking socks, his t-shirts. I got to do his last dirty load, today and it means so much to me. They are all stacked just like before on the washer and dryer. I don't know if I can pack them away. It will be an end to me. Today was the first time I cried talking about Darren to anyone and Joanna shed tears while I told her how much it meant to me. I wish I had other talents to share, something inspirational, something poetic, no , I did the last loads of dirty laundry, that's what I do.

It's been almost 3 months since Darren died. It isn't getting any easier not to have him around. I miss his phone calls. I miss hearing his voice. I miss having a whole heart and soul. I hate the dark hole I feel. I can't breathe sometimes. When I see him,(picture), it makes me silently gasp inside. Darren like his 6 siblings made me have a sense of grounding,sense of peace,a special joy, that I took for granted. I don't want to celebrate my b-day, thanks giving or Christmas this year. I can't celebrate without everyone. Everyone is grown up and have lives and families of their own. My family isn't complete anymore and my heart and soul are broken. No one will replace Darren. Darren was unique in his own way. I liked his independent, individual thinking. I MISS YOU DARREN!
love, mom

shooting

We went shooting on Saturday August 16th after Darren's birthday to have our own type of celebration of his life. We went to the outdoor range that the boys went to before Darren was married to Holly. (bachelor party) (or just an excuse to go shooting together). David,Danny,Donald and Dennis as well as Karen,Saundra, Kori,Josh,Rachel and I all went to shoot guns that Darren had previously owned. It was hot and dirty but a great way to be busy and have some memories of Darren. Rachel learned to shoot, Josh shot a gun that was given to him by my dad that I shot when I was a teenager. We all took turns in shooting at targets, watermelons and cantelopes. I had a few teary moments missing Darren,Darryl and his family and Shellee and her family. Danny says no girls allowed next time. (whatever). We had our snacks,sodas and a few laughs. It was a busy day at the range. I tried to picture Darren out there and the fun and laughs he and his brothers had.

#6

Today is Darren's Birthday. Happy birthday! Darren was born at 1754 on Aug. 11th, 1979. He weighed 10 lbs.(yikes). Other then interrupting a fishing trip it was just another day for the whole family. Kids were running around playing in and outside of the house. No one seemed to care that a baby was being born in the bedroom. Little did we know that Darren would be quite an entertaining and challenging boy. The emptiness I feel is overpowering more then I can stand at times. Thank you to all his brothers and sister and sister in laws for the phone calls, activities to keep me preoccupied. The grandkids are a great distraction. The hardest time is late at night,driving around and seeing a motorcyclist, listening to music that reminds me of him, seeing a picture of him that flashes on my digital frame. I had the privilege of seeing Darren do some funny things, talented things, dumb things and then mature into a young man. I got to witness the full circle. Such a wide variety of memories that I hope I never forget. Love you Darren. See you later.