laundry

I don't sing, I don't play an instrument and i don't have a creative way of writing,but, I did the most incredible thing today for my heart and soul. I got to do the last loads of Darren's dirty laundry. Why you say , why you think this means so much to me. When Darren was on the road and he came back for his days off, I did his laundry. When Darren lived in his apartment and he would come to visit, pick up food, Darren would bring his laundry and I got to do his laundry. A small thing, a thing you may think he could or should have done himself, but, that is what I do. I like to take care and do, just do. Darren's laundry has his uniform's, his shirt and pants he wore to Dennis and Karen's wedding in Tahoe, his boxer shorts, his yucky looking socks, his t-shirts. I got to do his last dirty load, today and it means so much to me. They are all stacked just like before on the washer and dryer. I don't know if I can pack them away. It will be an end to me. Today was the first time I cried talking about Darren to anyone and Joanna shed tears while I told her how much it meant to me. I wish I had other talents to share, something inspirational, something poetic, no , I did the last loads of dirty laundry, that's what I do.

It's been almost 3 months since Darren died. It isn't getting any easier not to have him around. I miss his phone calls. I miss hearing his voice. I miss having a whole heart and soul. I hate the dark hole I feel. I can't breathe sometimes. When I see him,(picture), it makes me silently gasp inside. Darren like his 6 siblings made me have a sense of grounding,sense of peace,a special joy, that I took for granted. I don't want to celebrate my b-day, thanks giving or Christmas this year. I can't celebrate without everyone. Everyone is grown up and have lives and families of their own. My family isn't complete anymore and my heart and soul are broken. No one will replace Darren. Darren was unique in his own way. I liked his independent, individual thinking. I MISS YOU DARREN!
love, mom

shooting

We went shooting on Saturday August 16th after Darren's birthday to have our own type of celebration of his life. We went to the outdoor range that the boys went to before Darren was married to Holly. (bachelor party) (or just an excuse to go shooting together). David,Danny,Donald and Dennis as well as Karen,Saundra, Kori,Josh,Rachel and I all went to shoot guns that Darren had previously owned. It was hot and dirty but a great way to be busy and have some memories of Darren. Rachel learned to shoot, Josh shot a gun that was given to him by my dad that I shot when I was a teenager. We all took turns in shooting at targets, watermelons and cantelopes. I had a few teary moments missing Darren,Darryl and his family and Shellee and her family. Danny says no girls allowed next time. (whatever). We had our snacks,sodas and a few laughs. It was a busy day at the range. I tried to picture Darren out there and the fun and laughs he and his brothers had.

#6

Today is Darren's Birthday. Happy birthday! Darren was born at 1754 on Aug. 11th, 1979. He weighed 10 lbs.(yikes). Other then interrupting a fishing trip it was just another day for the whole family. Kids were running around playing in and outside of the house. No one seemed to care that a baby was being born in the bedroom. Little did we know that Darren would be quite an entertaining and challenging boy. The emptiness I feel is overpowering more then I can stand at times. Thank you to all his brothers and sister and sister in laws for the phone calls, activities to keep me preoccupied. The grandkids are a great distraction. The hardest time is late at night,driving around and seeing a motorcyclist, listening to music that reminds me of him, seeing a picture of him that flashes on my digital frame. I had the privilege of seeing Darren do some funny things, talented things, dumb things and then mature into a young man. I got to witness the full circle. Such a wide variety of memories that I hope I never forget. Love you Darren. See you later.

"We never get a choice about who will die in our lives. But we do get to choose what to do with our memories. By using our memories to make poetry, drawings, tattoos, blogs and stories, we create a truth we can live with. By turning our feelings into something we can touch, explore, and treasure, we transform our grief so that it brings us new understanding, new strength." I am trying hard to understand the loss of Darren, or believe it. I guess I do this blog so I can share my weakness, my pain, my loss so that none of us who Darren touched with his life thinks they are alone.

Grief

You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
everyday......
grief puts on a new face.

Darren

Darren Harris,my son, 6th out of 7 children was born on August 11,1979. He was born at home in Sacramento. He was a planned at home birth. He has 5 brothers and one sister. The 7 D's. David,Danel,DeShelle,Donald,Darryl,Darren and Dennis. He has 11 nieces and nephews. David and his wife Kori have Rachel and Joshua. Danel and his wife Joanna have Aric and Abigail. DeShelle and her husband Matt have Jackson,Mariah,Jalyn and Shane. Donald and his partner Saundra have Kyle and Wyatt. (Saundra has two daughters Shante and Tameka.) Darryl and his wife Vicky have Cassidy and Andrew,Vicky has a daughter named Rosa. Darren was recently married to Holly and they didn't have any children. Dennis and his wife Karen have no children but love their cats. Darren loved riding motorcycles, driving trucks, loved disc golf, shooting his guns at the range, mosh pitts at some wild concerts, playing card games, dragons and wizards. One thing he is remembered for is his ability to have useless information he liked to share with everyone. (I used to buy him useless information books for his christmas and b-day presents just because he enjoyed reading them.) Darren also loved to read books. Darren is also remembered for his activities with his nieces and nephews. He brought great joy to his nieces and nephews and loved to play with them.(you could say he was just a big kid himself). Darren didn't want to kill spiders in his apt. because he thought they would keep other bugs away. Darren saved everything. Darren still has clothes he wore in high school. Darren was sentimental like that. Darren was a great yoyoer. He always had a yoyo in his pocket. He would always show anyone who would watch his tricks or show them how to do them.

Darren died on June 12, 2008, he was 28 years old, I was 28 when he was born. He died in a motorcycle accident, hitting a truck. Darren was speeding and most likely misjudged the driving of the truck driver and paid for it dearly with his life. Darren died instantly. A good lesson from this could be never underestimate the other driver and always be cautious and drive carefully and defensively.

Darren is missed by everyone. At his memorial there were over 250 people in attendance. Family and friends were everywhere and shared their sorrow in my loss and everyone elses loss. I was sorry for each of their losses of Darren. He touched everyones life. I was proud of Darren for his accomplishments. He had just purchased a house and had become a very responsible member of society. He changed his life for the positive. Darren use to tell me he didn't want to grow up and become responsible, but he did it anyway.